A Time-Out For Mom

Today amongst Ker Plunk, building a Lincoln Log community and some crafts, my daughters decided to make me a part of their magic show. They weren’t having much luck making their latest Bratz dolls disappear and they needed an easier challenge-me!

So, they covered me with various blankets and pillows from head to toes and explained they were going to make me magically disappear. They asked me where I would like to go. I laughingly replied, “To a remote island with lots of sun, few people and a cabanna boy that can fetch me drinks, food and magazines.” My oldest, trying to take it in, said, “Mom, what’s a cabanna boy?” I smiled and said, “You’ll understand that one when you are a Mom.”

So, with their magic wands, also known as pencils, waving they said their magic words and presto. I was still there-much to their dismay and mine.

With a husband that is often gone, a three and five year old, two cats and a goldfish named John, I often long for the days when I could call in sick. Those were the days-just wearing my fat pants, warm socks while just laying on the couch watching Lifetime uninterrupted except for food and bathroom breaks-for an entire day.

While I treasure being a wife and Mother, I often find myself longing for some peace. Peace from the noise, chaos, demands, chores, errands, request and endless questions that accompany Motherhood. While it is a joy being called “Mom”, it is also exhausting both emotionally, mentally and physically. Every so often, when the stress meter is on high and the energy level is on low, I attempt a time out-for me.

My hair stylist, Mandy, thinks it is quiet funny that when my husband is out of town or working late, that I am actually excited about heading to Friday’s with a stack of magazines to eat and have a drink-alone. Other friends at the Y know that if they can’t find me in the fitness area at the Y – that I am most likely reading the paper in the “decompression chamber” also known as the pool! I also have an hour of daily quiet time at our home. Our daughters may individually read, draw, play quietly or nap –and I do the same.

And during my once a year-self imposed and husband encouraged retreat, my friends inquire if I will be lonely on my 24 hour retreat. I reply with a smile, “No, but I will be alone.”

I love going to this special local inn with a spa, sauntering back to my room with a large stack of magazines, a spa tub and room service---and the quiet room with the comfy bed. (If you haven’t done this, save up and do it! You deserve and need it!)


As they tell you on that airplane, place your own oxygen mask on before doing so for your children. And sometimes, just sometimes, I try to do the same in daily life. I need to take care of me once in awhile, so that I can do my best in taking care of them.

Enthusiasm Over Excuses

Simply put, our five year old daughter just loves a party. So, I should have known that the small thought and discussion of having several friends over for a play date would morph into something much larger. (After all, her Mother once invited the whole college football team to her apartment for a spaghetti dinner when she couldn’t even cook! The room mates were thrilled…So it must be genetic!)

About six weeks ago, she came bounding out of her room with a stack of papers and a huge smile. She informed me that these were the invitations to the “party” and that we had to deliver them to the neighbors that very day. I called several friends in our cul-de-sac and prepared them for her arrival!

While I waited at the end of the drive way, she would eagerly hurry to the next house and the next. Each neighbor would take the pretend invitation, exchange a few words with her and look up at me and wave. When she arrived home, she enthusiastically explained that one neighbor agreed to bring the table cloths, another some steaks and that I was to locate some beautiful pink plates and napkins for the party.

I just knew this party phase would pass, but it hasn’t. She watches the cooking show for ideas, selects specific flowers out of the garden for making table arrangements and peruses the isles of the $1.00 Target isles for gift bag ideas.

She makes party and food lists in her little book while grocery shopping—with me spelling the items out loud for her! (So, if you hear someone spelling cucumber or pecan swirls again loudly in the aisle of a grocery store-it is us! Stop and say hello!) While at the bakery section, she asks lots of questions about the cakes, desserts and cookies in the case. She is quite the party planner!

On her own, she enlisted the help of two of my friends to actually play the harp and flute at this party…and has been practicing on her own harp for the proposed trio. One neighbor has agreed to do hair. She has selected a jewelry kit and face painting for additional entertainment for this girl only event. Oh, and I was strictly informed that both kids and adults would be invited.

I have held her off for weeks with a varied list of excuses-the weather, vacation plans, other’s vacation plans, the two birthday parties we just held and paid for, the time needed for planning and more! She overlooks these excuses and simply continues on with her enthusiasm and her plans. And it has worked. Her enthusiasm won out over my excuses and I am delighted to say we will be having a tea party in July—after the harpist returns from vacation!

Enthusiasm over excuses… It is her secret weapon-and it used to be mine. Before Motherhood, I would simply set my mind to something and forge ahead—while others said I shouldn’t or couldn’t. Such obstacles and objections just heightened my enthusiasm and determination for the goal-big or small. Whether it was buying that first house in my early 20’s, choosing Outward Bound as my summer vacation, running my first marathon in Dublin at 30 or walking away from a great job to start a consulting business-I shoved aside the should nots and just did it. My enthusiasm for living life to the fullest was far more important than adhering to my fear.

And then I became a Mom. Two daughters later, I am in the midst of the “Mother Duck” syndrome- keeping my girls close, safe and away from harm. “Stay away from that curb.” “Don’t swim too far…” “Stay close. I have to be able to see you.” “Take a jacket just in case…” “Hold my hand…there are cars out there.” “Look both ways-twice.” “Don’t talk to strangers.” “Stay in the shallow end.” “Don’t pedal too far ahead.” “Walk slowly-don’t run.” “Think about it.” “Test the water before you get in.” “Walk, don’t run.”

And somewhere along the way in teaching them to avoid danger and harm…safety Mom is playing it safe too. All of a sudden, it is me hugging the curb of life, being a little fearful of wading out past my knees in that great ocean and testing the waters oh so carefully before I make the plunge.

Lately, I have a business interest that just keeps tugging at my heart. I shared this dream with my husband and he thought it was a great idea. Then, I launched right into all the reasons I shouldn’t do it. He looked at me and asked, “Why are you so afraid of this? Why all these excuses? When I met you, you weren’t afraid of anything.”

My answer stunned even myself. “It might succeed and I am afraid. “

Afraid of success-that’s a new one! “What I really meant to say was “I have this nice, safe, neat, routine and little undisturbed world –and change would be difficult.” It is easier to play it safe-or is it?

As a Mom, I relish the big and small joys of seeing our daughters grow and learn. And – while, I need the comfort and routine of our daily lives, I find myself needing more. I need just a bit of the old daring and enthusiastic me to return once in while. And I need to pursue my dreams both big and small. After all, as the saying goes, “Everyone needs something to do, someone to love and something to hope for.”

So, I pushed safety Mom aside for a rest and have decided to shake things up a bit in my own life. Enthusiasm over excuses…I have decided to embrace change rather then fearing it. I joined a training group at the Y after a year of thinking about it. And the business idea-it’s in the works and I am excited!

My daughters are watching me. Besides being safety Mom, I am their life guide. It is my role to teach them the difference in clinging to the curb to avoid an accident and stepping away from the curb to pursue a dream. As a Mom and their greatest teacher, I have to live the difference. They will become what they see and will dare to dream-if I do.

The Bag Lady

As Moms, I thought we had to wear many hats- but I have changed that way of thinking. Instead, as Moms we must carry many bags.

My husband always laughs as holiday or birthday gifts arrive from my girl friends. “Is it a picture frame, candle…or another bag?” he will ask.

See, I like- no- love bags! I need bags! As I look about the house, there are many bags. There’s the pool bag stocked with towels, sunscreen and now empty juice boxes. There is the emergency bag with a change of clothes for everyone, paper towels and a hair brush. There’s the activity bag with books, crayons, paper and an Etch and Sketch for doctor visits.

There is my reading bag stuffed with the latest magazines perfect for the school pick up lines and waiting at the girl’s gymnastics. Let’s not forget my gym bag-complete with bottled water, gloves, goggles, hair clips and my Ipod. Oh and the prize bin bag. The famous bag in which all left over holiday, school and birthday candy and prizes are dumped- I mean - placed for future rewards.

Enough bags? Are you kidding! Since these bags represent the many facets of our expanding lives – we are always in need of more! And as I stock them, tote them and lug these things around for me and the girls – it gives a new and more stylish meaning to the term the “bag lady”. A term that I will carry well…

Everyone Needs a Team

Life sure can throw you some curve balls. My brother, battling Aplastic Anemia for some three years, was awaiting word on a bone marrow donor in March when we received some other frightening news. My husband’s Mother called to say she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. They felt they had caught it early but they insisted on removing the lump right away. Her surgery was scheduled for April – the same month my brother was hoping to finally have his donor and transplant---and the same week my husband was leaving for another deployment.

The news took our breath away. We cried, we worried and we wondered how and why. I was full of questions and worry about how I could be there for both, how I could accomplish it logistically with the girls and the many things I wanted to do to insure that both families were loved and supported. Faith over fear – I thought. And-I went into action mode.

My husband’s Mother, with her usual grace and faith, insisted that she face her breast cancer head on with the news out in the open for all to know and understand. She encouraged me to once again call on so many friends and family members that had become such fierce and loyal prayer warriors. She knew it was something I could, would and needed to do.

So, I wrote this amazing group offering yet another update on my brother paired with the news about my Mother-in-law. And as usual, their responses brought me to tears. There were e-mails of prayer, hope and comfort to me, her and my brother. Inspirational notes and cards were mailed to friends that they have never, ever met. These prayer warriors inquired about the specific prayer needs and wishes of both. They heard, they felt and they acted with simple kindness and grace. Such small gestures-that had an enormous impact on all of us.

And the love keeps on coming. Many have joined the bone marrow registry. Others simply keep writing those notes to my brother and his own family that lift their spirits on those cloudy days. Some have sent him crossword puzzles, projects, movies and magazines to pass the time in isolation. Others—simply pray… and often. It’s the simple things…

I stumbled on this great lesson while I was three months pregnant and our oldest was two. My husband deployed for a four month tour in Iraq at the height of the war. I was ridden with fear, anxiety and worry. Slowly I began sending out e-mails with his updates and asking those to pray for his safety. This wonderful group embraced our prayer needs and more. They sent notes, cards and words of inspiration to both of us. They knew just what we needed –a little bit of faith over fear. It helped to see our family through a challenging journey-one I was grateful that I did not have to face alone.

It is comforting to know that through such storms, there are those bright lights of hope and faith. We are never, ever alone on a journey. We weren’t designed to be a one man operation in a crisis or in the midst of joy. We courageously reach out and others compassionately reach back. We all need a team…and I am grateful for this one.