That Little Suit

No, no, no…it can’t be! It’s that time of year already? I am not prepared! It has arrived to soon…I need more time! P-l-e-a-s-e, not yet.

Could it be that my daughters are out of school—looking for the next adventure and asking the endless “What next Mom?” Maybe it’s the extra gray hairs from scrambling to find another camp or vacation bible study for their entertainment and my survival. Maybe it’s the lyrics, “let me entertain you…” as I attempt to comb through various community event schedules to fill our days with some low cost fun. Maybe it is the summer art box that we have already plowed through with the paint and glitter etched on the kitchen table and patio to prove it. Entertain to stay sane…

Maybe it is the family vacations. The vacations that are full of beauty and promise until a child gets sick, the family begins bickering and the wallet and tolerance gauge are on “E”. Travel and unravel…

These are tough, but there is something even more difficult. It is something I dread, avoid, delay and downright dread each summer.

It begins in late spring when the catalogs begin arriving. I begin thumbing through and bending the pages of the ones that I consider a maybe. Wincing, I quickly by-pass the pages of the certainly not and then stare longingly at the ones I label the “I wish”. And finally, I come across a page of the “used to be”.

The “used to be” me was a size 6 or 8 that longed for the hot summer and an even hotter bikini. The body was toned and it was bronzed usually via the local tanning beds. Searching for that little suit was a fun girl’s outing. It was exciting!

And now? I am not that 6 or 8. I don’t tolerate the heat as well and I am seeking something between the look of the juniors and the Sag Harbor department. Some areas are still toned, while others need to be lifted up, held in and miraculously hidden! And bronzing? The areas that are bronzed are the ones that I can easily reach with my self tanner! And of course, I go it alone! After all, I’ll pass on anyone seeing me in the up close mirrors, 2x2 dressing rooms with yellowish overhead lighting-without a tan!

So each and every summer, the hunt begins. The summer that my oldest daughter was one, I went for the 100% Mom bathing suit. (You know the look, so I will let you imagine the bathing suit!) My darling husband with his usual sense of humor laughed and said, “You’re not ready for that yet.” “Maybe you’re not.” I laughingly replied. I wore that suit that summer never feeling quite right in it.

Another summer, I tried the flowered tankini. I liked the flowers and after several yanks and tugs, I decided it offered enough coverage and looked a bit less “Momish”. My oldest caught sight of this one and laughed about the great big flowers on it. During that summer, I wondered if the flowers were a bit too much and I never felt quite right in it either.

Several summers ago, I thought I had found the perfect suit until I saw the pictures of me in it. There’s the bikini top and skirt combo--a good look except I have to tie the top fairly tight around my neck for support! (Who needs to breathe anyway?) And let’s not forget, the loose tankini top with the short skirt in the orange and brown! Oh, the stress from this little suit!
I just never seem to get it right!

And then it happened. Our family was enjoying a bright, fun-filled day at a local beach and I saw it. I saw her. She walked the beach with a sunny smile and bucket of confidence. She left the cover-up behind. She didn’t need it. It was a bold yellow bikini-one that you had to notice. She was tanned and she was beautiful…and she had to be in her upper 60’s. I watched her as she strolled by and as she faded into the crowd as she made her way down the shore line. And then, I began to reflect.

Motherhood has changed my body, my heart, my mind and my soul. When you become a Mom, your heart gets larger to take in more love and joy than you could have ever imagined or believed existed. Your mind expands for all the filing space needed to ensure that every need from big to small is met with great detail, care and concern. And the soul has quadrupled to be able to protect and care for our children, families, friends, people in need, the Earth and environment, animals, schools and other causes-all selflessly.

And, so too, our physical appearances have been altered by Motherhood. This one, by far, being the most difficult to understand and accept. I t is often how we judge ourselves and feel measured by others.

Our physical change represents something even bigger than self perception, age ---or gravity. Maybe, just maybe, our external badge of Motherhood symbolizes the amazing and beautiful changes and growth we have experienced on the inside.

So, the woman in the little yellow suit had it right. It is not what you wear, but how you choose to wear it. All these years, I had it so wrong. It’s not that the suit that wasn’t right, it was really about how I felt about me. I have been so worried about my exterior changes that I haven’t bothered to celebrate the interior ones.

Change is cause for a celebration! So, this year I’ll try out the bikini—maybe even a bold, bright yellow one. And I will wear it proudly with a huge grin and a new confidence...because I treasure who, what and where I am on this journey of Motherhood…battle scars and all! It is the new me on the outside and in…and you can’t have one without the other.