The Simple Things

My husband squirms, shudders and shakes his ahead. “Not again!” he exclaims. As he grabs the remote, I hear him say, “Why do they do that to us? As if we need more pressure…”

I glance over just to see the end of a Jeweler’s ad. You know the one! Pictured is the perfect couple with the husband giving his wife the perfect ring in the perfectly wrapped package at the precisely timed moment—all for Valentine’s Day. She opens the gifts, her eyes sparkle and she smiles. The man is smiling too—out of relief, stress and the knowledge that this gift has earned him BIG points!

And if the husbands miss those ads, there are all the ads for cards, chocolates, flowers and dining specials at every turn! I have often wondered how any breathing man delayed the prompt to buy big and buy ahead with these mega-media reminders and our subtle hints! (And how so many end up at Walgreen’s on February 14th at 5:15pm!)

While they are sweating, we wait and wait. Will he plan a grand evening out or will he be at Walgreen’s buying a last minute card and the left over box of chocolates? Will we be elated, disappointed or just down right mad? After all, this IS the day of love right? This ONE day expresses just how much they care about us-or does it?

Well, here is where you are awaiting my grand story! You can exhale and feel relieved because there isn’t one. My beloved husband has planned some memorable celebrations, given me some beautiful gifts and orchestrated some wonderful evenings out, but for Valentine’s Day he keeps it simple…because he understands me.

You see, my love language is all about time and simple thoughtfulness. Sometimes I think the big gifts are the easy way out. Plan ahead, be creative, give me something different-and from the heart!

In the past, my husband has made me a home made cake, planted a rose bush, cooked dinner, made cards, planned picnics and planned a great evening out two days after Valentine’s Day so we could avoid the crowds!

Since I know you are dying to ask about the most memorable simple gift, I will tell you! Are you ready? It was an installed cat door. Yes, you heard it right- a cat door. We were dating and both living in Charlotte. Since I had two cats and their litter box was located in the garage, I simply left my kitchen door open day and night so they could make it back and forth! He mentioned that doing such wasn’t safe and was adding to my electrical bill.

Returning home that evening, I pulled into the garage to see a whole in this door with a note saying, “Hope you like this…work in progress.” Turns out, he didn’t realize it was a steel door and it was a bit more difficult than he anticipated. After gathering some better tools and about a week later, the cats and I had a much needed and wonderful cat door!

And ok, there have been great gifts along the way, but the funny thing is -I really remember these moments and those simple acts of love - not the big gifts! It is the small things that make me feel really, really appreciated and loved. It is what I need.

So, simple things, time and thoughtfulness are important and essential to me. My value and awareness of these should make me a great and astute Mother at doing such for my own daughters, right?

Well, somewhere between the massive loads of laundry, chores, scheduling, cooking, cleaning and organizing, their emotional needs often get pushed aside. A sort of frenzy takes over as I try to complete the growing list of chores and to do lists. As I become busy and stressed, they increase their whining and begging. Then, out comes the “not now”, “I’m busy” and “maybe later” to their pleas to just play.

They act up and out to get my attention. They have even cupped my face in their hands to get me to hear them. My oldest will even say, “I need you to spend some time with me, Mom.” It breaks my heart because I know and I fully understand this need. They need me. They need my time. They need the simple things.

So, every once in a while I let the laundry loads grow, the return phone calls are delayed again and shove cleaning aside. We take time out to play soccer in the yard. We bake cookies. We draw with chalk in the driveway. We go on Mom and daughter dates. We play a game. We read. We take home made sandwiches to the park in a basket complete with a picnic blanket. We go to the Target $1 bin or to the Dollar Store with a dollar bill each. We take a walk. We watch a movie. We lay in bed and talk. We paint plates at the ceramic store. We raid the craft bin here at home. We ride bikes. We write notes and draw pictures. We make dinner together. (Yes, four year olds can make salads!).

Oh, the simple things. We have such great fun during these times! They have my undivided attention and they open up about all sorts of topics! We giggle, play and even I feel like a child again sometimes. I see the world differently through their eyes. These brief and shared moments make for happy hearts-theirs and mine.

I know my daughters won’t remember the toys they received, all the great adventures we have had, the places we have lived and visited, the friends that have come and gone and all the joys and sorrow that have passed us by, but they will remember the small moments, simple things and how it made them feel.

As Cesare Pavese said, “We do not remember days, we remember moments.” These brief moments together will become the cherished memories of their childhood.



So, as I end this writing, their quiet time is coming to an end. I have quite a list of to-dos not yet done, a load of laundry that needs to be folded, a few remaining follow-up calls and dinner that needs to be started, but we are heading outside to play some soccer on this bright and beautiful day. Why don’t you join us?

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Lisa Black
e3black@aol.com

The Up-Side of Motherhood

Every so often, I ask my oldest daughter the same question. With hope in my heart and curiosity on my mind, the dialogue usually goes something like this -

I ask, “What do Mothers do?”
She replies, “They clean.”
“Ok, really, what do Mothers do?”
She replies, “They have babies.”
“Anything else?” I ask.
She pauses and says, “They just take care of stuff.”

Now, like most Moms I had envisioned the most eloquent of answers. I secretly hope that she will recall every detail of the adventures, outings, crafts, magical birthday parties, my participation in all those school plays and field trips, gymnastics, basketball, picnics, my ability to recall each name and talent of her many friends, the little notes tucked in her lunch box each day, the funny rhymes we create about everything and purchasing everything in pink… because I know it is her favorite color!

Instead, I am remembered for cleaning, having babies and well, just taking care of stuff. Leave it to a four year old to leave you pondering your role as a Mom. So I began to think about her simple answers to those complex questions.

Long ago, I chucked the suits, business meetings, pay raises and titles and had one baby and then another. The other day, as I wiped the crumbs off the counter, changed yet another diaper and was nearly tripped by a stray toy and dodged a speeding bullet (affectionately known as our cat George), I glanced about the house that just an hour before was as near straight as it could be. It was then that it hit me. I do clean and clean and clean! A visitor might never know that as I am smack in the middle of the “up” phase of Motherhood.

Oh yes, the up phase of Motherhood! This phase is all about cleaning up and taking care of lots and lots of tasks. This phase consists of wipe-up, throw-up, pick-up, straighten-up, sit-up, clean-up, tidy up, mess-up, hurry-up, pull-up, straighten-up, wash- up, get-up, put-up and sometimes - give up! If I am not in the midst of one of these, either the kids have run away or I have departed from this world!

If you are a Mom, you know the “up” phase first hand. Perpetual motion, non-stop, non-thrilling but must-do actions! The kind that makes your eyes heavy and ears shut down at 8pm.

Now, in my prior career life I managed quite a number of people, but a flock of twenty-two still can’t compare to the likes of the baby and toddler years. Back then, with a pager, phone, planner and assistant - I managed just fine. Now, with sticky notes, a planner, cell phone and a jumbled mind - my life has been turned “upside down”. I am mixed-up!

I have…
…worn a shirt inside-out for an entire day. (Did my friends ever notice?)
… mistaken mascara for lip gloss. (Multi-tasking while driving can be harmful to your face!)
…worn two different shoes and was proud. (It’s great to be noticed!)
…diligently tried to unlock someone else’s car. (It really did look like mine!)
…showed up for my daughter’s school on a holiday. (Short drop off line!)
…forgotten food for a school party? (Oh no! Would the home-room Moms forgive me?)
…forgotten two school parties and my daughter still reminds me of those! (Does she remember the other twenty that I attended?)
…gone places looking like I said I never would! (More compliments when I dress up right?)
…dialed my cell, forget who I am calling and when they answer – I am startled for a moment! (After all, I called them…)

And well, this does not include my suffering vocabulary and my expertise in the ability to lose things both big and small on a daily basis!

It is the “up” phase and my life is upside down! It is joyful, frustrating, fun, challenging maddening, boring, exciting, scary and amazing. I cry, laugh and sigh and sometimes plead for 8pm. Then, in the midst of it all, when my daughters run over for no reason to say “I love you Mom” (and ask for nothing) it is uplifting. Those three words get me up the next day to do it all over again and again…and again.

My daughter was on to something. So as Moms, we do clean. We work hard to make our houses a home. We have children and work tirelessly to provide them with a foundation of strong roots and wings.

We do take care of “stuff” and lots of it. As a friend said to me recently, “They get all of us.” We work as the roadies in their lives making sure they have what they need, both big and small, in the every day and long-term. It may appear thankless and mundane at times, but it will be the most important job we ever, ever do.

My daughters will have limited memories of the things we have done together. I can’t expect them to understand my many sacrifices and work along the way. I can hope though. And I hope, that when they look back on their childhood years, they remember feeling loved - really loved. I hope they know -I did my best. I hope they got all of me.

Here’s to all of you Moms! Keep it “up”!

Happy New Year!