You Too?

You Too?

The other day it hit me. As I snuck away for a quick restroom break at home, my two daughters came in right after me and closed the door. So there we were, the three of us. One worked diligently to unfold a minature rocking chair and the other insisting I read her a new book . So much for that treasured moment alone!

These days, with two toddlers, I rarely eat, bathe, shop, drive or even use the restroom alone. My home and cell phone are always ringing and there are always plenty of e-mails awaiting me at the end of the day. I briefly chat with other Moms in passing at school, the gym or the grocery store. There is the occasional lunch with a friend and her children where we do our best to get a few complete sentences in while cutting food or breaking up yet another fight amongst siblings. So, I never feel alone, but I do feel lonely sometimes. Why is this?

“Alone is the absence of people, while lonely is the absence of connection” (from “Why One Isn’t the Loneliest Number”). This makes such sense!

In the past, my career placed me in a workplace community on a daily basis. When I was single, my group of single friends were my community. Long ago, there were athletic teams, high school clubs, running clubs, sororities and other types of organization that offered that common denominator with others. Being a part of these communities enabled me to be and feel consistently connected with those like myself!

Whether you are a stay at home Mom or a working Mom, it is difficult to find the time, much less the energy, to develop meaningful adult relationships. Schedules often do not match up and we find ourselves devoting our free time to meeting the ever increasing demands of our family. We begin to lose those daily connections and the loneliness begins creeping into our lives.

Motherhood can be isolating and downright lonely at times. Early on, I thought I needed no one. Afterall, I had enjoyed a successful career in marketing and sales. How hard could this Motherhood thing be? What could I possibly have in common with those other Moms? I would be just fine or so I thought. See, I had forgotten some essential concepts that had offered me security,balance and a sense of belonging from the groups, organizations and clubs from seemingly long ago. I longed to be a part of a special group. I needed a team. I needed friends to walk me through the “now” of Motherhood.

Motherhood has been a great teacher of many things. For me, I quickly realized Motherhood is not a one woman journey. It humbled me to know that I could not do this alone. It offered me joy, peace and absolute relief in knowing that I didn’t have to.

By reaching out, making a bit of an effort, I soon belonged to a community once again. The Motherhood community is one of support, understanding, humor and forgiveness. There are no titles, no large salaries and age doesn’t really matter. We are all Moms seeking to raise our children the best we can. We succeed and then stumble and fall…and we help to pick each other up. We laugh, cry and learn together. We may not have all the answers but we have each other.

C.S. Lewis once said “Friendship …is born at the moment when one man says to another, What! You too? I thought no one but myself…(The Four Loves) Fortunately, through the pre-children and now post-children years, I have made some very special “You too?” friends.

My community of friends range in age from 30 to 62. Some live right here in Tampa and others live thousands of miles away. Some have careers and others stay at home. A few are direct and some are more subtle. I talk with some every week and others several times a year. A couple are my fun friends and there are others that are my listening friends.Some are on the front lines alongside me of Mothering right now and others are my Mom mentors. Two are spiritual guides for me. One friend dragged me to a Mom’s group after hearing me proclaim that I didn't need any "Mom" help. Another has taught me survival tactics for a life in the military.There are my friends that I can call in the middle of the night.

There is a friend that over a bottle of wine we simply laugh and treasure catching up There are my friends that I ponder family and relationship issues together. Hats off to my daring friend that plans the fun adventures we do together with our children in tow! Friends that were there when my cat died or my heart was broken. Hail to the friends that picked up my children during an emergency and the friend and neighbor that would pop in and “borrow” my children right about the time I was about to lose it!

There’s the friend that wiped away my tears when my husband left for Iraq and the friend that escorted me to the emergency room in the middle of the night during that pregnancy while he was gone. Some that I called when my first born had her first fever and one that held my hand when we lost a baby. There are the thoughtful friends that have brought home made bread over for no reason and the friend that sends goodie boxes that make those sad days a bit easier.

Thank goodness for the friend that agrees to those “Y” workout dates and others that agree to those much needed breakfast or lunch outings! I have kind friends that have included my family in their holiday celebrations knowing we are far from our own extended family and others that have joyfully attended our own small family celebrations understanding the same.

I need friends that will let me tell the same story over and over knowing that I am working through it. I need the friends that send cards for no reason or offer words of inspiration after a battle. I need to laugh until I cry or cry until I laugh with a friend. I need the nights out with no kids just being "girls" again instead of someone's wife or Mother. I need the friend that will be honest and say the outfit isn't a good fit. I need the friend that will listen to a dilema and offer a perspective that I hadn't considered.

I need the ones that lift me up and the friend that will kick me in the tail and say the pity party is over. I need the friend that hugs me and I need the friend that pushes me right back out there to try again! I need the friend that closely examines a challenge and the friend that encourages me just to go for it. I need the friend that notices I have lost those five pounds and I need the friend that helps me finish a bag of Dove Chocolates.

There are friends that helped me to literally move and friends that help me to arrive at a new destination or place in my life.I have wonderful friends. Women that are so vastly different, but so strikingly similar. They may not have all the answers, those sought after solutions that would just "fix it" but they are all supportive through the joys and curve balls of life. Each joy was made better in sharing with them and each challenge was lessened knowing they were and are there.

Which friends do I treasure the most? All of them. Each is a different piece of my life puzzle and though they are all vastly different they come together and are a perfect fit for me. They surround my life with the most important things-comfort, hope, faith and joy. They are my team. They are my community. I am grateful, ever thankful that they are my friends.

So, while Motherhood is a treasured gift, being in the day to day trenches can be quite tough and rather lonely. So, reach out and reach back. Form your own team or dare to join one! Extend an invitation of kindness to a Mom in need or be courageous and humble enough to accept one. Gather your own “You too?” friends and relish this wonderful journey of Motherhood …together.