Does Unloading the Dishwasher Count as Foreplay?

I remember those magical, heart leaping and romantic dates. Oh, those were the days...downtown for dinner and drinks, dancing and home for romancing, sleeping, breakfast and more romance. Going to work tired, thinking about him all day, shopping for that “perfect” outfit and looking forward to yet another fun night. The notes, the flowers, the anticipated phone calls --the surprise gifts, planning the perfect date....ahhhh the adventure of it all! Back then, we just lived for each other...

And fast forward...its Mexican night again with the family, dancing is reserved for Wiggles ballads, notes are reminders to make calls and pay bills, phone calls are to adjust family schedules, the perfect outfit is one without a child induced stain and surprises are linked to diaper changes! And romance? Roll the dice and take your chances before a little one sneaks in asking for chocolate milk in the am or whether both of you will still be awake at 10! We live day by day...ahhh romance.

So what do I really need from my husband now? Fetch me a wine cooler at the end of a long day. Unload the dishwasher or fold some laundry. Better yet, draw me a bath! In our home, these random acts suffice as foreplay. It is that simple. Really, it is THAT simple! Seeing him meet some simple yet unspoken needs...that simple.

It is all about the simple things now. I don't need to be decked out and sipping martinis to enjoy my husband. A bowl of shared icecream after the kids have gone to bed does wonders! Hearing him tell me how much he appreciates me while we're drifting off to sleep gets me through another chaotic day. Leaving me a card on the counter before he travels is comforting. Bringing me my favorite York Peppermint Patty is a great surprise! Offering me a few free hours on a Saturday at home or “abroad” without the girls—prevention for a possible melt down! A big hug and kiss when he gets home makes everything better. Surprising me with another rose bush for my garden is about understanding. Slow dancing alone on our patio makes me feel special. Holding hands during prayers at church reminds me we are indeed a couple.

And for him? He has taught me quite a bit during our marriage. In addition to the essential need for oxygen, cooked meals and physical intimacy, there is the gloating factor. If you’re not familiar with the term, please let me explain.

This phenomena can be a home, work, pet or a child related project or task. When my husband completes such, it is then essential that to immediately drop what I am doing, carefully examine the completed task in great detail and gloat using an array of descriptive adjectives describing the greatness of both the work and he himself! (Now, I know he doesn’t gush over my clean toilet bowls and sparkling floors, so I know this act will not be reciprocated in quite the same manner, but none the less…)

Now, my husband knows well the difference between sincere and humorous gloating. When done sincerely, he feels proud, accomplished and appreciated. (And as a note, following a gloating high, he is happily willing to take on even more tasks and projects.)


My husband has taught me that men too love simple things. He will resist talking about his feelings but his reaction to the simple things tells me all I need to know. Putting notes in his lunches and luggage makes him feel appreciated and loved. Putting the kids to bed a bit early one night and taking the time to really listen to him makes him feel valued. Stopping to look at his “dream” truck at a dealership will all three girls in tow---left him feeling -well quite manly! Going fishing together on a recent get away was a highlight. Asking his opinion on a challenging situation makes him feel needed and respected.

My husband promised me an adventure in our marriage and he hasn’t let me down yet! It is uphill, downhill, coasting and curves.So, along with a great deal of humor, many “rewinds”, (An opportunity to do something over if it failed!), courage and love, we are continuing to discover what our individual needs are in our marriage. Some are simple and some more complex. From there, we make big and small efforts to successfully meet those needs.. We celebrate small victories and learn from our disappointments and failures. It is always a changing, moving, and evolving work in progress for us.

As a couple, we know our marriage is a work in progress and far from perfect. We are always discussing, inventing and reinventing our larger strategies to focus on the “we”.

Some time ago, weary and frustrated in our attempts of communicating in, around, over, beside and through our darling daughters, we decided we needed an official date night. We simply were in desperate need of quality time to talk, enjoy each other and to reconnect as a couple.

So, each Thursday we go on a date! We go to dinner, bowling, the beach, for long rides, picnics, sporting events, walks, book stores, shopping—just about anywhere! Afterall, it is the gift of time, not the place, that really matters for us.

Yes, it is expensive to have a sitter each week but it is worth every single dollar. An investment in our marriage and future is our top priority. It has reminded us that in the midst of parenting, the military, day to day responsibilities and life, we are still us and that we love, need and enjoy each other. Most importantly, we feel in love and the emotional connection places romance right back where it belongs. Although a bit different from pre-kids, we now live for each other again!

And how does marriage affect our children? A priest once told us to love each other first and our children a close second. He explained that a solid, loving marriage will provide a strong sense of peace, security, stability and comfort for us and even more importantly for our children.

So, we want our daughters to see us going on dates, discussing finances, sharing our dreams, working through a disagreement, gloating, leaving notes, kissing, hugging, praising each other in public, praying, making plans, moving, celebrating, disciplining, laughing, pulling pranks, crying, working, having fun, celebrating victories, sharing sorrows…together. We want them to witness how and why we love each other in every way through the many days and years to come.
They are watching, listening and learning about the roles, expectations and journey of marriage from us. We will be how they define marriage. Besides faith, it will be the most important thing we teach them by our actions and examples.

So, I wonder…what did they see today? How can I make marriage even better for me, “we” and them tomorrow? And you?

Just Words

It wasn’t the beautiful silver bracelet. Nor was it the fun notepad. Didn’t seem to be the beautiful wrapping either. Yes, she was sincerely grateful for these but it was the note that was called “amazing”. She loved her birthday gifts from us but the note would stay on her refrigerator “forever” she explained. It meant, really meant something to her.

It started a long time ago. As a young girl, my Dad would leave me handwritten notes of love and encouragement. I found them in various places and they always seemed to arrive at just the right time. Through college, my Dad sent me notes too and always with $2 tucked inside---the most his parents were ever able to give him. Those notes were like a long distance hug and much needed in those fun but trying college years. I acted as though they meant little but to a daughter they meant everything. I only wish I had saved every single one of them, but I didn’t.

During the summer of my junior year, I had the wonderful opportunity to live in Nantucket for the summer. One of my jobs was clerking in a small retail store on the main street of the island. There were lots of us working there in the summer. The tourist season was busy and the owner, Marsha, needed to boost sales. She began inserting little notes into our paychecks about something-anything-we had done to better the store, sales, a system or a service. It was always specific, short, positive and highlighted a small raise for our efforts. It felt great to be noticed, we worked harder and just like that sales and profits soared.

Several years ago, we lost a baby. It was early in the pregnancy and well meaning friends and family offered the customary words of comfort such as “…at least it was early…or …it meant there was something wrong….God has another plan…or you can have another one”. Simply put, I was devastated, grieving and inconsolable. Then along came a note. Babs, as she was called, had the perfect words for me as she too had lost a baby long ago. She wrote from her heart and put into words and feelings something I could never explain or define to anyone including myself. Her words about such a painful experience wrapped my grief up in the hope and comfort that I needed. My grief in tow, I could finally forge ahead.

Recently, I found a note that my husband had left on the countertop for me to find after he left for yet another trip. Just the night before, a quarrel had erupted about which of us had it harder or easier ---the stay at home Mom or the Dad that traveled. We ended in a draw, but my husband lovingly wrote me a note that expressed his gratitude for my sacrifices and efforts, admiration for what his girls were becoming and that simply put-he really loved me. The disagreement long forgotten, I cherish that note.

So, I learned the personal value and meaning of a note from so many others. I have sent notes to people that have influenced me in the past. I tuck notes of love in my husband’s lunch and bags when he is traveling. I write a note to a friend in need of support. I send notes of thanks to my parents. I compose poems for my children’s “other mothers” on Mother’s Day. I tuck notes and hand drawn cut outs into my daughter’s lunch box.

I have written many notes to companies highlighting great service. I hand out notes to players on my basketball team. Notes for big and small achievements to those I managed. Left notes for a good neighbor for no reason. Mailed notes of thanks to churches and dear friends we have left behind on a move. I even delivered a letter of thanks to the president of a company that I left to become a stay at home Mom.

And the response is always the same! People relish and sincerely appreciate notes…just like I always have.

So forget the commercial cards with a quick signature! Avoid text messaging or e-mailing your kind words! Resurrect the nearly extinct handwritten note! In a time where we have become human “doings” instead of human beings they are more than just words. Notes are a gift from the heart.