Just the other day, my oldest daughter was thumbing through a toy magazine. Every couple of minutes, she would announce that this was THE toy she wanted for Christmas. After the list reached some ten toys, I gently reminded her that Santa only had a limited number of elves and time to fill the wishes of all the boys and girls. She heartily agreed and then proceeded to select another eight before closing the magazine. Her list was getting bigger and so was her enthusiasm and delight about the season.
Yes, it is beginning to look a lot like Christmas. The catalogs, decorations, lights, music, cards and cookie exchanges encourage that festive and joyful spirit of the holidays. It is a season of the four best gifts- joy, hope, peace and love. What a glorious season!
And then, somewhere along the way it just happens. Christmas becomes a responsibility and a logistical burden. There’s the family dispute over the selection of the perfect tree and how to get it home. (I prefer pretty and he prefers low cost!) The frustration over untangling the lights and hanging the outside wreaths perfectly!
And the lines and crowds in stores seem never ending.(Why is it that everyone seem to check out at the same time when you have ten minutes to pick the children up from school?) The “discussions” over the growing gift list and the shrinking holiday budget are all too common. (He asks what happened to just making friends and neighbors a pie?)
And let’s not forget getting those darling children to sit still for those holiday pictures! (They haven’t remained still since they were born!) Then, there are the holiday cards to coordinate and mail! And don’t forget those promised baked items for school celebrations! Throw in the party you agreed to host for friends and family …and well we haven’t even mentioned travel plans…instead of welcoming the season you slowly begin to wish it away.
As adults and parents, we become fixated on out personal vision of what the holiday should be to and for our families. We create such chaos trying to buy the perfect gifts, cook the most elegant meals and attend each and every event and party, that we miss it all together. Miss what?
Several years ago, I decided to take a sabbatical from the Christmas chaos. Now, I wish I could say I did it for soulful reasons, but it was done partly for survival and the other in self pity. You see, my husband had deployed for Iraq that very October and would be away through March. Among most of the holidays, our anniversary and a birthday, he would miss Christmas as well.
So, I found myself five months pregnant with an energetic two year old in our home in Savannah alone for the holidays. The man we loved the most was a half a world away in a war many didn’t understand and both sides of immediate family several states away. Christmas could not and would not be the same.
I decided to shorten my gift list, limit the holiday cards, purchase holiday food versus baking and half heartedly decorated our front porch. I made the decision to remain in our home for the holidays afraid to venture too far due to a pregnancy and a two year old! Like a storm, I hunkered down and was prepared just to ride it out. The sooner it was over, the better. Then, it began to happen.
One neighbor insisted on helping me locate and transport a tree. Another came over to hang those beautiful wreaths outside those windows knowing they were out of reach for me. Several neighborhood boys pitched in and raked our yard while we weren’t home. Another friend came over and we decorated the house together! Neighbors brought by meals and baked goods. Church friends began calling to offer help. We received invitations from close friends to celebrate with their families on Christmas Eve, Christmas lunch and dinner! One friend delivered special gifts that my husband had selected from afar for all of us! My parents made a surprise visit to check on us!
Our church youth sent my husband a felt Christmas tree complete with ornaments containing pictures of our family and friends! The word spread that he was visiting the wounded in his free time and he began receiving huge boxes of items for our soldiers from friends, family and folks we never had a chance to meet from all over!
And the best? Christmas morning my oldest daughter and I had just finished opening gifts. To my amazement, there was a knock on our door. I opened the door and in came Santa with a loud “Ho, ho, Ho”, gifts and the biggest smile I have ever seen. Tears ran down my cheeks. My daughter cried too, not out of joy but of terror of the jolly old man! We have a great picture of her sitting on his lap just wailing! I cried because he brightened our home with the very best gifts of the season…the real gifts.
I learned that no matter how hard you try to hide from Christmas, it will find you. It just will. There will always be the “busy-ness” of Christmas but now, as a parent of two daughters, we are committed to teaching them by example the real meaning of the season…just like the many friends, families and strangers did for us that difficult but memorable year.
They are young at two and four, but it is never too early to teach them about giving. Last year, we shopped as a family for food to take to Metropolitan Ministries and our oldest helped unload the food! This year, the girls helped with Operation Christmas Child box items for school and church. This weekend my husband will take them with him to fill a bag with non-perishables for a food drive at church. We will take them along when we select a few new bikes for Alex’s Barbecue Restaurant’s annual bike drive for local children.
Some of our giving may be more quiet-helping a known Mom or family in need, seeing a story in the paper that tugs at the heart strings or just sending special handwritten notes from us or our children to brighten a spirit.
As a Mom, I always am in great wonder about the impact these giving acts have on our children. While explaining these gestures along the way, deep down I long for a sign that they have grasped just a tidbit of what these acts really mean. Just the other day, as I handed our oldest her operation Christmas box to take to school, she looked at me with a smile and said. “It is good to help others.” Yes, it is.
In all the “busy-ness” of this season, may the real Christmas find its way to you and your family. Merry Christmas!
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Thursday, October 18, 2007
You Too?
You Too?
The other day it hit me. As I snuck away for a quick restroom break at home, my two daughters came in right after me and closed the door. So there we were, the three of us. One worked diligently to unfold a minature rocking chair and the other insisting I read her a new book . So much for that treasured moment alone!
These days, with two toddlers, I rarely eat, bathe, shop, drive or even use the restroom alone. My home and cell phone are always ringing and there are always plenty of e-mails awaiting me at the end of the day. I briefly chat with other Moms in passing at school, the gym or the grocery store. There is the occasional lunch with a friend and her children where we do our best to get a few complete sentences in while cutting food or breaking up yet another fight amongst siblings. So, I never feel alone, but I do feel lonely sometimes. Why is this?
“Alone is the absence of people, while lonely is the absence of connection” (from “Why One Isn’t the Loneliest Number”). This makes such sense!
In the past, my career placed me in a workplace community on a daily basis. When I was single, my group of single friends were my community. Long ago, there were athletic teams, high school clubs, running clubs, sororities and other types of organization that offered that common denominator with others. Being a part of these communities enabled me to be and feel consistently connected with those like myself!
Whether you are a stay at home Mom or a working Mom, it is difficult to find the time, much less the energy, to develop meaningful adult relationships. Schedules often do not match up and we find ourselves devoting our free time to meeting the ever increasing demands of our family. We begin to lose those daily connections and the loneliness begins creeping into our lives.
Motherhood can be isolating and downright lonely at times. Early on, I thought I needed no one. Afterall, I had enjoyed a successful career in marketing and sales. How hard could this Motherhood thing be? What could I possibly have in common with those other Moms? I would be just fine or so I thought. See, I had forgotten some essential concepts that had offered me security,balance and a sense of belonging from the groups, organizations and clubs from seemingly long ago. I longed to be a part of a special group. I needed a team. I needed friends to walk me through the “now” of Motherhood.
Motherhood has been a great teacher of many things. For me, I quickly realized Motherhood is not a one woman journey. It humbled me to know that I could not do this alone. It offered me joy, peace and absolute relief in knowing that I didn’t have to.
By reaching out, making a bit of an effort, I soon belonged to a community once again. The Motherhood community is one of support, understanding, humor and forgiveness. There are no titles, no large salaries and age doesn’t really matter. We are all Moms seeking to raise our children the best we can. We succeed and then stumble and fall…and we help to pick each other up. We laugh, cry and learn together. We may not have all the answers but we have each other.
C.S. Lewis once said “Friendship …is born at the moment when one man says to another, What! You too? I thought no one but myself…(The Four Loves) Fortunately, through the pre-children and now post-children years, I have made some very special “You too?” friends.
My community of friends range in age from 30 to 62. Some live right here in Tampa and others live thousands of miles away. Some have careers and others stay at home. A few are direct and some are more subtle. I talk with some every week and others several times a year. A couple are my fun friends and there are others that are my listening friends.Some are on the front lines alongside me of Mothering right now and others are my Mom mentors. Two are spiritual guides for me. One friend dragged me to a Mom’s group after hearing me proclaim that I didn't need any "Mom" help. Another has taught me survival tactics for a life in the military.There are my friends that I can call in the middle of the night.
There is a friend that over a bottle of wine we simply laugh and treasure catching up There are my friends that I ponder family and relationship issues together. Hats off to my daring friend that plans the fun adventures we do together with our children in tow! Friends that were there when my cat died or my heart was broken. Hail to the friends that picked up my children during an emergency and the friend and neighbor that would pop in and “borrow” my children right about the time I was about to lose it!
There’s the friend that wiped away my tears when my husband left for Iraq and the friend that escorted me to the emergency room in the middle of the night during that pregnancy while he was gone. Some that I called when my first born had her first fever and one that held my hand when we lost a baby. There are the thoughtful friends that have brought home made bread over for no reason and the friend that sends goodie boxes that make those sad days a bit easier.
Thank goodness for the friend that agrees to those “Y” workout dates and others that agree to those much needed breakfast or lunch outings! I have kind friends that have included my family in their holiday celebrations knowing we are far from our own extended family and others that have joyfully attended our own small family celebrations understanding the same.
I need friends that will let me tell the same story over and over knowing that I am working through it. I need the friends that send cards for no reason or offer words of inspiration after a battle. I need to laugh until I cry or cry until I laugh with a friend. I need the nights out with no kids just being "girls" again instead of someone's wife or Mother. I need the friend that will be honest and say the outfit isn't a good fit. I need the friend that will listen to a dilema and offer a perspective that I hadn't considered.
I need the ones that lift me up and the friend that will kick me in the tail and say the pity party is over. I need the friend that hugs me and I need the friend that pushes me right back out there to try again! I need the friend that closely examines a challenge and the friend that encourages me just to go for it. I need the friend that notices I have lost those five pounds and I need the friend that helps me finish a bag of Dove Chocolates.
There are friends that helped me to literally move and friends that help me to arrive at a new destination or place in my life.I have wonderful friends. Women that are so vastly different, but so strikingly similar. They may not have all the answers, those sought after solutions that would just "fix it" but they are all supportive through the joys and curve balls of life. Each joy was made better in sharing with them and each challenge was lessened knowing they were and are there.
Which friends do I treasure the most? All of them. Each is a different piece of my life puzzle and though they are all vastly different they come together and are a perfect fit for me. They surround my life with the most important things-comfort, hope, faith and joy. They are my team. They are my community. I am grateful, ever thankful that they are my friends.
So, while Motherhood is a treasured gift, being in the day to day trenches can be quite tough and rather lonely. So, reach out and reach back. Form your own team or dare to join one! Extend an invitation of kindness to a Mom in need or be courageous and humble enough to accept one. Gather your own “You too?” friends and relish this wonderful journey of Motherhood …together.
The other day it hit me. As I snuck away for a quick restroom break at home, my two daughters came in right after me and closed the door. So there we were, the three of us. One worked diligently to unfold a minature rocking chair and the other insisting I read her a new book . So much for that treasured moment alone!
These days, with two toddlers, I rarely eat, bathe, shop, drive or even use the restroom alone. My home and cell phone are always ringing and there are always plenty of e-mails awaiting me at the end of the day. I briefly chat with other Moms in passing at school, the gym or the grocery store. There is the occasional lunch with a friend and her children where we do our best to get a few complete sentences in while cutting food or breaking up yet another fight amongst siblings. So, I never feel alone, but I do feel lonely sometimes. Why is this?
“Alone is the absence of people, while lonely is the absence of connection” (from “Why One Isn’t the Loneliest Number”). This makes such sense!
In the past, my career placed me in a workplace community on a daily basis. When I was single, my group of single friends were my community. Long ago, there were athletic teams, high school clubs, running clubs, sororities and other types of organization that offered that common denominator with others. Being a part of these communities enabled me to be and feel consistently connected with those like myself!
Whether you are a stay at home Mom or a working Mom, it is difficult to find the time, much less the energy, to develop meaningful adult relationships. Schedules often do not match up and we find ourselves devoting our free time to meeting the ever increasing demands of our family. We begin to lose those daily connections and the loneliness begins creeping into our lives.
Motherhood can be isolating and downright lonely at times. Early on, I thought I needed no one. Afterall, I had enjoyed a successful career in marketing and sales. How hard could this Motherhood thing be? What could I possibly have in common with those other Moms? I would be just fine or so I thought. See, I had forgotten some essential concepts that had offered me security,balance and a sense of belonging from the groups, organizations and clubs from seemingly long ago. I longed to be a part of a special group. I needed a team. I needed friends to walk me through the “now” of Motherhood.
Motherhood has been a great teacher of many things. For me, I quickly realized Motherhood is not a one woman journey. It humbled me to know that I could not do this alone. It offered me joy, peace and absolute relief in knowing that I didn’t have to.
By reaching out, making a bit of an effort, I soon belonged to a community once again. The Motherhood community is one of support, understanding, humor and forgiveness. There are no titles, no large salaries and age doesn’t really matter. We are all Moms seeking to raise our children the best we can. We succeed and then stumble and fall…and we help to pick each other up. We laugh, cry and learn together. We may not have all the answers but we have each other.
C.S. Lewis once said “Friendship …is born at the moment when one man says to another, What! You too? I thought no one but myself…(The Four Loves) Fortunately, through the pre-children and now post-children years, I have made some very special “You too?” friends.
My community of friends range in age from 30 to 62. Some live right here in Tampa and others live thousands of miles away. Some have careers and others stay at home. A few are direct and some are more subtle. I talk with some every week and others several times a year. A couple are my fun friends and there are others that are my listening friends.Some are on the front lines alongside me of Mothering right now and others are my Mom mentors. Two are spiritual guides for me. One friend dragged me to a Mom’s group after hearing me proclaim that I didn't need any "Mom" help. Another has taught me survival tactics for a life in the military.There are my friends that I can call in the middle of the night.
There is a friend that over a bottle of wine we simply laugh and treasure catching up There are my friends that I ponder family and relationship issues together. Hats off to my daring friend that plans the fun adventures we do together with our children in tow! Friends that were there when my cat died or my heart was broken. Hail to the friends that picked up my children during an emergency and the friend and neighbor that would pop in and “borrow” my children right about the time I was about to lose it!
There’s the friend that wiped away my tears when my husband left for Iraq and the friend that escorted me to the emergency room in the middle of the night during that pregnancy while he was gone. Some that I called when my first born had her first fever and one that held my hand when we lost a baby. There are the thoughtful friends that have brought home made bread over for no reason and the friend that sends goodie boxes that make those sad days a bit easier.
Thank goodness for the friend that agrees to those “Y” workout dates and others that agree to those much needed breakfast or lunch outings! I have kind friends that have included my family in their holiday celebrations knowing we are far from our own extended family and others that have joyfully attended our own small family celebrations understanding the same.
I need friends that will let me tell the same story over and over knowing that I am working through it. I need the friends that send cards for no reason or offer words of inspiration after a battle. I need to laugh until I cry or cry until I laugh with a friend. I need the nights out with no kids just being "girls" again instead of someone's wife or Mother. I need the friend that will be honest and say the outfit isn't a good fit. I need the friend that will listen to a dilema and offer a perspective that I hadn't considered.
I need the ones that lift me up and the friend that will kick me in the tail and say the pity party is over. I need the friend that hugs me and I need the friend that pushes me right back out there to try again! I need the friend that closely examines a challenge and the friend that encourages me just to go for it. I need the friend that notices I have lost those five pounds and I need the friend that helps me finish a bag of Dove Chocolates.
There are friends that helped me to literally move and friends that help me to arrive at a new destination or place in my life.I have wonderful friends. Women that are so vastly different, but so strikingly similar. They may not have all the answers, those sought after solutions that would just "fix it" but they are all supportive through the joys and curve balls of life. Each joy was made better in sharing with them and each challenge was lessened knowing they were and are there.
Which friends do I treasure the most? All of them. Each is a different piece of my life puzzle and though they are all vastly different they come together and are a perfect fit for me. They surround my life with the most important things-comfort, hope, faith and joy. They are my team. They are my community. I am grateful, ever thankful that they are my friends.
So, while Motherhood is a treasured gift, being in the day to day trenches can be quite tough and rather lonely. So, reach out and reach back. Form your own team or dare to join one! Extend an invitation of kindness to a Mom in need or be courageous and humble enough to accept one. Gather your own “You too?” friends and relish this wonderful journey of Motherhood …together.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Does Unloading the Dishwasher Count as Foreplay?
I remember those magical, heart leaping and romantic dates. Oh, those were the days...downtown for dinner and drinks, dancing and home for romancing, sleeping, breakfast and more romance. Going to work tired, thinking about him all day, shopping for that “perfect” outfit and looking forward to yet another fun night. The notes, the flowers, the anticipated phone calls --the surprise gifts, planning the perfect date....ahhhh the adventure of it all! Back then, we just lived for each other...
And fast forward...its Mexican night again with the family, dancing is reserved for Wiggles ballads, notes are reminders to make calls and pay bills, phone calls are to adjust family schedules, the perfect outfit is one without a child induced stain and surprises are linked to diaper changes! And romance? Roll the dice and take your chances before a little one sneaks in asking for chocolate milk in the am or whether both of you will still be awake at 10! We live day by day...ahhh romance.
So what do I really need from my husband now? Fetch me a wine cooler at the end of a long day. Unload the dishwasher or fold some laundry. Better yet, draw me a bath! In our home, these random acts suffice as foreplay. It is that simple. Really, it is THAT simple! Seeing him meet some simple yet unspoken needs...that simple.
It is all about the simple things now. I don't need to be decked out and sipping martinis to enjoy my husband. A bowl of shared icecream after the kids have gone to bed does wonders! Hearing him tell me how much he appreciates me while we're drifting off to sleep gets me through another chaotic day. Leaving me a card on the counter before he travels is comforting. Bringing me my favorite York Peppermint Patty is a great surprise! Offering me a few free hours on a Saturday at home or “abroad” without the girls—prevention for a possible melt down! A big hug and kiss when he gets home makes everything better. Surprising me with another rose bush for my garden is about understanding. Slow dancing alone on our patio makes me feel special. Holding hands during prayers at church reminds me we are indeed a couple.
And for him? He has taught me quite a bit during our marriage. In addition to the essential need for oxygen, cooked meals and physical intimacy, there is the gloating factor. If you’re not familiar with the term, please let me explain.
This phenomena can be a home, work, pet or a child related project or task. When my husband completes such, it is then essential that to immediately drop what I am doing, carefully examine the completed task in great detail and gloat using an array of descriptive adjectives describing the greatness of both the work and he himself! (Now, I know he doesn’t gush over my clean toilet bowls and sparkling floors, so I know this act will not be reciprocated in quite the same manner, but none the less…)
Now, my husband knows well the difference between sincere and humorous gloating. When done sincerely, he feels proud, accomplished and appreciated. (And as a note, following a gloating high, he is happily willing to take on even more tasks and projects.)
My husband has taught me that men too love simple things. He will resist talking about his feelings but his reaction to the simple things tells me all I need to know. Putting notes in his lunches and luggage makes him feel appreciated and loved. Putting the kids to bed a bit early one night and taking the time to really listen to him makes him feel valued. Stopping to look at his “dream” truck at a dealership will all three girls in tow---left him feeling -well quite manly! Going fishing together on a recent get away was a highlight. Asking his opinion on a challenging situation makes him feel needed and respected.
My husband promised me an adventure in our marriage and he hasn’t let me down yet! It is uphill, downhill, coasting and curves.So, along with a great deal of humor, many “rewinds”, (An opportunity to do something over if it failed!), courage and love, we are continuing to discover what our individual needs are in our marriage. Some are simple and some more complex. From there, we make big and small efforts to successfully meet those needs.. We celebrate small victories and learn from our disappointments and failures. It is always a changing, moving, and evolving work in progress for us.
As a couple, we know our marriage is a work in progress and far from perfect. We are always discussing, inventing and reinventing our larger strategies to focus on the “we”.
Some time ago, weary and frustrated in our attempts of communicating in, around, over, beside and through our darling daughters, we decided we needed an official date night. We simply were in desperate need of quality time to talk, enjoy each other and to reconnect as a couple.
So, each Thursday we go on a date! We go to dinner, bowling, the beach, for long rides, picnics, sporting events, walks, book stores, shopping—just about anywhere! Afterall, it is the gift of time, not the place, that really matters for us.
Yes, it is expensive to have a sitter each week but it is worth every single dollar. An investment in our marriage and future is our top priority. It has reminded us that in the midst of parenting, the military, day to day responsibilities and life, we are still us and that we love, need and enjoy each other. Most importantly, we feel in love and the emotional connection places romance right back where it belongs. Although a bit different from pre-kids, we now live for each other again!
And how does marriage affect our children? A priest once told us to love each other first and our children a close second. He explained that a solid, loving marriage will provide a strong sense of peace, security, stability and comfort for us and even more importantly for our children.
So, we want our daughters to see us going on dates, discussing finances, sharing our dreams, working through a disagreement, gloating, leaving notes, kissing, hugging, praising each other in public, praying, making plans, moving, celebrating, disciplining, laughing, pulling pranks, crying, working, having fun, celebrating victories, sharing sorrows…together. We want them to witness how and why we love each other in every way through the many days and years to come.
They are watching, listening and learning about the roles, expectations and journey of marriage from us. We will be how they define marriage. Besides faith, it will be the most important thing we teach them by our actions and examples.
So, I wonder…what did they see today? How can I make marriage even better for me, “we” and them tomorrow? And you?
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Just Words
It wasn’t the beautiful silver bracelet. Nor was it the fun notepad. Didn’t seem to be the beautiful wrapping either. Yes, she was sincerely grateful for these but it was the note that was called “amazing”. She loved her birthday gifts from us but the note would stay on her refrigerator “forever” she explained. It meant, really meant something to her.
It started a long time ago. As a young girl, my Dad would leave me handwritten notes of love and encouragement. I found them in various places and they always seemed to arrive at just the right time. Through college, my Dad sent me notes too and always with $2 tucked inside---the most his parents were ever able to give him. Those notes were like a long distance hug and much needed in those fun but trying college years. I acted as though they meant little but to a daughter they meant everything. I only wish I had saved every single one of them, but I didn’t.
During the summer of my junior year, I had the wonderful opportunity to live in Nantucket for the summer. One of my jobs was clerking in a small retail store on the main street of the island. There were lots of us working there in the summer. The tourist season was busy and the owner, Marsha, needed to boost sales. She began inserting little notes into our paychecks about something-anything-we had done to better the store, sales, a system or a service. It was always specific, short, positive and highlighted a small raise for our efforts. It felt great to be noticed, we worked harder and just like that sales and profits soared.
Several years ago, we lost a baby. It was early in the pregnancy and well meaning friends and family offered the customary words of comfort such as “…at least it was early…or …it meant there was something wrong….God has another plan…or you can have another one”. Simply put, I was devastated, grieving and inconsolable. Then along came a note. Babs, as she was called, had the perfect words for me as she too had lost a baby long ago. She wrote from her heart and put into words and feelings something I could never explain or define to anyone including myself. Her words about such a painful experience wrapped my grief up in the hope and comfort that I needed. My grief in tow, I could finally forge ahead.
Recently, I found a note that my husband had left on the countertop for me to find after he left for yet another trip. Just the night before, a quarrel had erupted about which of us had it harder or easier ---the stay at home Mom or the Dad that traveled. We ended in a draw, but my husband lovingly wrote me a note that expressed his gratitude for my sacrifices and efforts, admiration for what his girls were becoming and that simply put-he really loved me. The disagreement long forgotten, I cherish that note.
So, I learned the personal value and meaning of a note from so many others. I have sent notes to people that have influenced me in the past. I tuck notes of love in my husband’s lunch and bags when he is traveling. I write a note to a friend in need of support. I send notes of thanks to my parents. I compose poems for my children’s “other mothers” on Mother’s Day. I tuck notes and hand drawn cut outs into my daughter’s lunch box.
I have written many notes to companies highlighting great service. I hand out notes to players on my basketball team. Notes for big and small achievements to those I managed. Left notes for a good neighbor for no reason. Mailed notes of thanks to churches and dear friends we have left behind on a move. I even delivered a letter of thanks to the president of a company that I left to become a stay at home Mom.
And the response is always the same! People relish and sincerely appreciate notes…just like I always have.
So forget the commercial cards with a quick signature! Avoid text messaging or e-mailing your kind words! Resurrect the nearly extinct handwritten note! In a time where we have become human “doings” instead of human beings they are more than just words. Notes are a gift from the heart.
It started a long time ago. As a young girl, my Dad would leave me handwritten notes of love and encouragement. I found them in various places and they always seemed to arrive at just the right time. Through college, my Dad sent me notes too and always with $2 tucked inside---the most his parents were ever able to give him. Those notes were like a long distance hug and much needed in those fun but trying college years. I acted as though they meant little but to a daughter they meant everything. I only wish I had saved every single one of them, but I didn’t.
During the summer of my junior year, I had the wonderful opportunity to live in Nantucket for the summer. One of my jobs was clerking in a small retail store on the main street of the island. There were lots of us working there in the summer. The tourist season was busy and the owner, Marsha, needed to boost sales. She began inserting little notes into our paychecks about something-anything-we had done to better the store, sales, a system or a service. It was always specific, short, positive and highlighted a small raise for our efforts. It felt great to be noticed, we worked harder and just like that sales and profits soared.
Several years ago, we lost a baby. It was early in the pregnancy and well meaning friends and family offered the customary words of comfort such as “…at least it was early…or …it meant there was something wrong….God has another plan…or you can have another one”. Simply put, I was devastated, grieving and inconsolable. Then along came a note. Babs, as she was called, had the perfect words for me as she too had lost a baby long ago. She wrote from her heart and put into words and feelings something I could never explain or define to anyone including myself. Her words about such a painful experience wrapped my grief up in the hope and comfort that I needed. My grief in tow, I could finally forge ahead.
Recently, I found a note that my husband had left on the countertop for me to find after he left for yet another trip. Just the night before, a quarrel had erupted about which of us had it harder or easier ---the stay at home Mom or the Dad that traveled. We ended in a draw, but my husband lovingly wrote me a note that expressed his gratitude for my sacrifices and efforts, admiration for what his girls were becoming and that simply put-he really loved me. The disagreement long forgotten, I cherish that note.
So, I learned the personal value and meaning of a note from so many others. I have sent notes to people that have influenced me in the past. I tuck notes of love in my husband’s lunch and bags when he is traveling. I write a note to a friend in need of support. I send notes of thanks to my parents. I compose poems for my children’s “other mothers” on Mother’s Day. I tuck notes and hand drawn cut outs into my daughter’s lunch box.
I have written many notes to companies highlighting great service. I hand out notes to players on my basketball team. Notes for big and small achievements to those I managed. Left notes for a good neighbor for no reason. Mailed notes of thanks to churches and dear friends we have left behind on a move. I even delivered a letter of thanks to the president of a company that I left to become a stay at home Mom.
And the response is always the same! People relish and sincerely appreciate notes…just like I always have.
So forget the commercial cards with a quick signature! Avoid text messaging or e-mailing your kind words! Resurrect the nearly extinct handwritten note! In a time where we have become human “doings” instead of human beings they are more than just words. Notes are a gift from the heart.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Who's the Best Teacher?
Our beloved cat of 15 years, Jack, died recently. My husband broke the news to the girls as I was seeking solace in my bath tub. My oldest found me there in tears and barely able to speak a word. Without hesitation she grabbed a box of Kleenex and brought them over. She also reached for a bar of soap and began washing my back. She assured me that Jack was in heaven and asked if the angels could bring him down every once in awhile for a visit.
The tears flowed but my heart managed a smile. My four year old shared a real gift with me in those brief moments. She taught me real compassion and understanding.
There were four children and two lucky Moms at Steak’n Shake that day. It was one of those times where we questioned why we even tried such! They were standing up in their seats, shouting and food was everywhere. Some of the other customers were giving us looks of sympathy while others looked as thought they wished they-or us were dining somewhere else! (Sound familiar?)
In the middle of this joyful chaos, a hamburger was launched and a gentleman sustained a direct hit on the back of the neck. He turned, looked and then laughed—and suggested that “the arm and aim” was needed by the Bucs! That day was our lesson in real humor and humility.
We were all so proud of my husband that Memorial Day Sunday. He looked so official and so handsome in his Air Force dress blues. The four of us walked hand in hand as we entered church that day as a proud military family. Our oldest daughter wanted to see her Dad go up on stage with the others as a salute to all branches of the military-and we agreed it would be special for her to be there.
As the Air Force song was played, he stood and made his way through the pew and down the aisle towards the stage. As he climbed the stairs to the stage, our daughter began yelling, “Daddy! Daddy! I want my Daddy!” (Did I mention we were at the very back of the church?) She began crying and sobbing---and then wiggled away from me, made it out of the pew and walked hesitantly down the aisle by herself and towards the stage.
She locked eyes with her Dad and he stepped forward to pick her right up---and there they were- my husband holding her proudly on stage amongst the others in the Air Force. There wasn’t a dry eye in the hundreds at church that day-especially mine.
This little girl, our little girl, showed such courage and love that day. Most importantly, she reminded others that the impact of war is far deeper than what you can see, read or hear in any type of media. It can be as simple, as heart breaking-or as heart warming as a child simply missing, really missing and really needing her Daddy.
The director of the school motioned me over. I remember thinking that was either really bad or really good. I was hoping for the latter. She began the story with a smile. The class was finishing up their crafts and the teacher explained that the table has to be cleaned before they could have snack time. Without a second thought and with a smile, our daughter took her arm and with one swoop cleared the entire table---with the craft supplies hitting the floor. She exclaimed, “Snack time!” They had been laughing about this incident for hours.
I think this was their lesson and mine in keeping it direct and simple! Something as adults, we often forget!
Children are the very best teachers. They view the world with such loving but simple hearts. Their actions are honest and their minced words sincere. Their teachings are everywhere…in the biggest and smallest of moments. So take a moment to laugh, to cry, to be horrified at times---but take the time in this busy world to cherish the moment and the teaching. These days may seem long, but the years will be short….and moments will be all you have.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
The Balancing Act
Ahhh balance. During my college days, balance meant studying and parties, mixers, drink and appetizer specials.. Looking back on the early career days, it was work and looking for Mr. Right (or Mr. Right now) and the occasional workout. As my career progressed, it was work and doing whatever I wanted with my leftover time and money! I could fill it with dating, volunteering, friends, running, retail therapy, church, travelling or sitting home watching Lifetime television with my favorite sweats and burly socks on!
As a manager, I encouraged "balance" with my team members explaining that there is life outside of work. To my friends, I encouraged "balance" explaining there was more to life then this guy. Go bowling, volunteer, join a church, particpate in a book club, take kick boxing--but do something you love. For myself, I needed "balance" to keep me paced through the greeen and red lights of life.
And now--when I think of balance I envision carrying my toddler again and attempting to juggle 2-3 bags in addition to my 4 year old while maneuvering through a crowd or parking lot--all in the Florida heat while trying to remain patient, calm and well--- balanced! What happens if one of those bags, even a small one, suddenly shifts while doing so? I stumble, maybe even fall! Why? (Now, if you are a Mom you know what this looks like because it has happened to you!) It happens because that small shift leaves me unbalanced. To me , the sense of feeling unbalanced also occurs when a portion of my sense of being is taken away. I stumble, struggle and work hard to regain that much needed balance.
So, now as a Mom, what should balance mean to me as a parent, as a wife, as a friend and as a woman? One of the definitions for balance in Webster's is to sum up or equal the debits and credits. Hmmmm, so let's see our life checkbook of debits regarding time might include working, cleaning, cooking, carpooling, attending sporting events, family appointments, assisting with homework, dressing children, bed time and morning routines, school projects, paying bills, taking care of the pets, tending to extended family and friends, school activities, baking, making to do lists, shopping, attending "spouse" functions and so much more more!
And then we get to the credit portion of our time and the list amazingly is so much shorter! I look at mine that consists of an occasional childless meal with a friend, a weekday date with my husband, church on Sundays, working out at the Y, writing occasionally and an ocassional pedicure---did you see the word occasionally? My debits and credits aren’t even close-are yours?
When someone asks me to list my hobbies these days I am stumped. When my husband and I attend dinner parties, I have been bypassed more than once when the conversation turned to our current jobs with me being a stay at home Mom of course! I know I am not boring, just consumed with all the tasks of being a sort of behind the stage “roadie’ for the other 3 in my home.
I think my Mother-in-law and husband have the concept! They have secret chocolate stashes that they hide out of sight and far from the familiar search area of the pantry. My husband remarked recently that he did this so he could have something to himself. After all, he lives in a house with all women-even our cats! It is not that he is selfish-far fom it. He just longs for something to call his own.Isn't that really what balance is? Something we enjoy, relish and yearn for just because it is ours-not as a wife, not as a Mother but to us as individuals. It can and does create an excitement, identity and passion outside those every day roles. It makes us feel alive.
Balance makes for more efficient workers and more fulfilled spouses. Most importantly, balance will make us a more kind, patient, loving and thoughtful parent. Like a car, when your emotional tank is filled, you can happily go the distance and give just a bit more. You won’t have to explain your happiness to your family, they will see and feel it too.
Your children are watching you. They will see you choosing to grow, stepping outside your comfort zone, taking chances, embracing new things, meeting new people, creating new and exciting passions and developing a new sense of confidence and accomplishment. Teach them to take steps and be accountable for their own happiness by doing so yourself. Lead by example!
So, while I cherish my role as Mother to our beautiful daughters and my role as a wife to a kind and loving husband, I too will have my chocolate stash this year. The kids are back in school and it is time. I want some of “me” back. So I am chunking the “Mommy” guilt and carving out a wee bit of time for me to do something. Maybe I will finally write that book, volunteer, join a Bible study,take up running again or try Pilates! Afterall, my real happiness is up to me. This year I want and need my tank to be more full.. Dare to join me?
As a manager, I encouraged "balance" with my team members explaining that there is life outside of work. To my friends, I encouraged "balance" explaining there was more to life then this guy. Go bowling, volunteer, join a church, particpate in a book club, take kick boxing--but do something you love. For myself, I needed "balance" to keep me paced through the greeen and red lights of life.
And now--when I think of balance I envision carrying my toddler again and attempting to juggle 2-3 bags in addition to my 4 year old while maneuvering through a crowd or parking lot--all in the Florida heat while trying to remain patient, calm and well--- balanced! What happens if one of those bags, even a small one, suddenly shifts while doing so? I stumble, maybe even fall! Why? (Now, if you are a Mom you know what this looks like because it has happened to you!) It happens because that small shift leaves me unbalanced. To me , the sense of feeling unbalanced also occurs when a portion of my sense of being is taken away. I stumble, struggle and work hard to regain that much needed balance.
So, now as a Mom, what should balance mean to me as a parent, as a wife, as a friend and as a woman? One of the definitions for balance in Webster's is to sum up or equal the debits and credits. Hmmmm, so let's see our life checkbook of debits regarding time might include working, cleaning, cooking, carpooling, attending sporting events, family appointments, assisting with homework, dressing children, bed time and morning routines, school projects, paying bills, taking care of the pets, tending to extended family and friends, school activities, baking, making to do lists, shopping, attending "spouse" functions and so much more more!
And then we get to the credit portion of our time and the list amazingly is so much shorter! I look at mine that consists of an occasional childless meal with a friend, a weekday date with my husband, church on Sundays, working out at the Y, writing occasionally and an ocassional pedicure---did you see the word occasionally? My debits and credits aren’t even close-are yours?
When someone asks me to list my hobbies these days I am stumped. When my husband and I attend dinner parties, I have been bypassed more than once when the conversation turned to our current jobs with me being a stay at home Mom of course! I know I am not boring, just consumed with all the tasks of being a sort of behind the stage “roadie’ for the other 3 in my home.
I think my Mother-in-law and husband have the concept! They have secret chocolate stashes that they hide out of sight and far from the familiar search area of the pantry. My husband remarked recently that he did this so he could have something to himself. After all, he lives in a house with all women-even our cats! It is not that he is selfish-far fom it. He just longs for something to call his own.Isn't that really what balance is? Something we enjoy, relish and yearn for just because it is ours-not as a wife, not as a Mother but to us as individuals. It can and does create an excitement, identity and passion outside those every day roles. It makes us feel alive.
Balance makes for more efficient workers and more fulfilled spouses. Most importantly, balance will make us a more kind, patient, loving and thoughtful parent. Like a car, when your emotional tank is filled, you can happily go the distance and give just a bit more. You won’t have to explain your happiness to your family, they will see and feel it too.
Your children are watching you. They will see you choosing to grow, stepping outside your comfort zone, taking chances, embracing new things, meeting new people, creating new and exciting passions and developing a new sense of confidence and accomplishment. Teach them to take steps and be accountable for their own happiness by doing so yourself. Lead by example!
So, while I cherish my role as Mother to our beautiful daughters and my role as a wife to a kind and loving husband, I too will have my chocolate stash this year. The kids are back in school and it is time. I want some of “me” back. So I am chunking the “Mommy” guilt and carving out a wee bit of time for me to do something. Maybe I will finally write that book, volunteer, join a Bible study,take up running again or try Pilates! Afterall, my real happiness is up to me. This year I want and need my tank to be more full.. Dare to join me?
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
That little suit...
So here it is Summer...the sweet little darlings are all out of school, it is already 90 degrees and in just 2 weeks the little song, "Let me entertain you..." is running through my head. The days where you wish you could "freeze" your house so it could appear tidy for longer than 15 minutes! The days where play dough, paint and beads cover everything but the table! The days where you see your house cat dressed up in things that you are not even sure where they came from...The days where you could win "Let's Make A Deal" just by reaching for some mystery items in your purse. Yes, they are cute, fun and sweet but these Summer days can be long....So is this the hardest part of Summer?
Ah, the family trips! You know the ones...You envision everyone smiling as they count animals in the back of the car, happily singing songs, making fun stops and cherishing every family moment when you FINALLY get there. Stop...reality hits. They swear they can't count, there are no animals and when you are breaking up the ninth fight-you realize they have colored the seats and themselves-not the paper. The dog has thrown up and your fun stops consist of bathroom breaks in places you would only visit out of desperation! And the songs-the only one you hear is in your head--"Hit me with your best shot" or "I will survive.". Your husband is "done" and you just want to get there. And then you do...day one is relief and around day 3 is disbelief---You're asking yourself, "Are we really related to these people". Yep, it is the 3 day rule...family-and that's another story. So is this the hardest part of Summer?
Now, I think the above are very challenging...but my #1 pick is....
You have looked through 10 magazines--folding down the page thinking this one may be it. You go to stores-one after the other-from Target to Department Stores searching the racks. You need the right color, the right size-show a little but not too much-after all I AM a Mom! And the lights...those dressing room lights should be banned! How dare we look a little more pale--after all a friend once told me, "Fat looks much better tanned..." And the mirrors-I prefer the mirror at the end of the "runway" --I can look a tad bit younger and a tad bit thinner from a far...and yes, my pick for the hardest thing in the Summer is the dreaded bathing suit shopping!
Come on, admit it! I remember as a teen and even in my 20's looking forward to "suit searching"! Now, I simply dread it and why? I have pondered this question as often as I switch preferences in Mom suits! We gave up our bodies for Motherhood --it hasn't belonged to us for awhile--and when we glance in a mirror we don't even recognize it anymore.
It has changed. We have changed--and it is hard to let go of what we used to be and what the media says we should be with perfect sized and bronzed models young enough to be our daughters! So somewhere between the "used to be" and want to be--we are stuck. Stuck between wanting to wear a bikini and needing to wear a one piece because we don't look like a model or our old selves! I have done it...my husband laughed when several years ago I bought the skirted suit. I laughed when I bought the bikini. My children laughed when a flowered suit didn't fit right. And so every year, my quest continues-what is the best suit?
My answer arrived in a simple way several weeks ago. We were spending the day at a beach and I caught a glimpse of a lady most likely in her 60's wearing a bikini. I didn't laugh - I wanted to stand up and applaud. She was tan, walked with confidence and ease and didn't even bother with a cover-up! She was ok...and I realized you look good when you feel good about who you are-not so much about what you are wearing. Getting older doesn't mean you have to dress "old" - you have to love being you and express yourself in what you wear!
So, I wore my black bikini the other day with pride and my husband loved it! I may not be the size 6 I used to be-but a lot has changed since then and so have I...
Lisa
Ah, the family trips! You know the ones...You envision everyone smiling as they count animals in the back of the car, happily singing songs, making fun stops and cherishing every family moment when you FINALLY get there. Stop...reality hits. They swear they can't count, there are no animals and when you are breaking up the ninth fight-you realize they have colored the seats and themselves-not the paper. The dog has thrown up and your fun stops consist of bathroom breaks in places you would only visit out of desperation! And the songs-the only one you hear is in your head--"Hit me with your best shot" or "I will survive.". Your husband is "done" and you just want to get there. And then you do...day one is relief and around day 3 is disbelief---You're asking yourself, "Are we really related to these people". Yep, it is the 3 day rule...family-and that's another story. So is this the hardest part of Summer?
Now, I think the above are very challenging...but my #1 pick is....
You have looked through 10 magazines--folding down the page thinking this one may be it. You go to stores-one after the other-from Target to Department Stores searching the racks. You need the right color, the right size-show a little but not too much-after all I AM a Mom! And the lights...those dressing room lights should be banned! How dare we look a little more pale--after all a friend once told me, "Fat looks much better tanned..." And the mirrors-I prefer the mirror at the end of the "runway" --I can look a tad bit younger and a tad bit thinner from a far...and yes, my pick for the hardest thing in the Summer is the dreaded bathing suit shopping!
Come on, admit it! I remember as a teen and even in my 20's looking forward to "suit searching"! Now, I simply dread it and why? I have pondered this question as often as I switch preferences in Mom suits! We gave up our bodies for Motherhood --it hasn't belonged to us for awhile--and when we glance in a mirror we don't even recognize it anymore.
It has changed. We have changed--and it is hard to let go of what we used to be and what the media says we should be with perfect sized and bronzed models young enough to be our daughters! So somewhere between the "used to be" and want to be--we are stuck. Stuck between wanting to wear a bikini and needing to wear a one piece because we don't look like a model or our old selves! I have done it...my husband laughed when several years ago I bought the skirted suit. I laughed when I bought the bikini. My children laughed when a flowered suit didn't fit right. And so every year, my quest continues-what is the best suit?
My answer arrived in a simple way several weeks ago. We were spending the day at a beach and I caught a glimpse of a lady most likely in her 60's wearing a bikini. I didn't laugh - I wanted to stand up and applaud. She was tan, walked with confidence and ease and didn't even bother with a cover-up! She was ok...and I realized you look good when you feel good about who you are-not so much about what you are wearing. Getting older doesn't mean you have to dress "old" - you have to love being you and express yourself in what you wear!
So, I wore my black bikini the other day with pride and my husband loved it! I may not be the size 6 I used to be-but a lot has changed since then and so have I...
Lisa
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
The "Up" Phase of Motherhood
I chucked the suits, business meetings, pay raises and titles and had one baby and then another. The other day as I wiped the crumbs off the counter, changed yet another diaper and took a look at my house-that just an hour before was as near "straight" as it could get...it hit me.
No, I wasn't in the twilight zone-I had entered the "up" phase. The words as my daughters are 2 and 4, that best describe this are clean up, wipe up, throw up, pick up, tidy up, put up, hurry up, strighten up, wash up and get up--and sometimes give up. If I am not doing or assisting with one of these at any given time, either the kids have run away or I have entered another world-and we're not talking about the twilight zone. If you are a Mom, you know what I am talking about! Perpetual motion, non-stop, non-thrilling-but must do actions! The kind that makes your eyes heavy and ears shut down at 8pm!
Now, in my prior career life I managed quite a number of people, but a flock of 22 just can't compare to the likes of the baby and toddler years. Back then, complete with cell phone and pager I could handle about anything or anyone...and now in the midst of joyful chaos and the up phase...my husband giggled when I incorrectly spelled cat "turd" (terd) in a recent e-mail(and you don't want to know what that was all about!) What has happened? I and many Moms before me have been turned "upside down"! I am mixed-up...
I chuckle, I laugh and I cry.
I have worn a shirt inside out for an entire day. (Did my friends think I planned it?)
I have mistaken mascara for lip gloss. (Pink is better!)
I have worn 2 different shoes-and was proud. (It's great to be noticed!)
I have diligently tried to unlock someone else's car--it looked like mine.
I have showed up for my daughter's school on a school holiday-(short drop off line!)
I have forgotten food for a school party! (Oh no! Would the home room Moms forgive me?)
I forgot one school party and a year later my daughter still remembers it! (Does she remember the 25 that I have attended?)
I have gone places looking like I said I never, ever would! (More compliments when I dress up-right?)
I dial a number, forget who I was calling and when they answer--am startled for a moment - and so are they when I ask who I am calling! (Afterall, I called them!)
And the list goes on...
I am in the up phase and my life is upside down...it is joyful, frustrating, fun, challenging, maddening, boring, exciting, scary and amazing...and when my 4 year old runs over for no reason and says "I love you Mom" (and asks for nothing) it is uplifting and makes all the joyful chaos worth it all...
Here's to all the Moms! Keep it "up"!
Lisa
No, I wasn't in the twilight zone-I had entered the "up" phase. The words as my daughters are 2 and 4, that best describe this are clean up, wipe up, throw up, pick up, tidy up, put up, hurry up, strighten up, wash up and get up--and sometimes give up. If I am not doing or assisting with one of these at any given time, either the kids have run away or I have entered another world-and we're not talking about the twilight zone. If you are a Mom, you know what I am talking about! Perpetual motion, non-stop, non-thrilling-but must do actions! The kind that makes your eyes heavy and ears shut down at 8pm!
Now, in my prior career life I managed quite a number of people, but a flock of 22 just can't compare to the likes of the baby and toddler years. Back then, complete with cell phone and pager I could handle about anything or anyone...and now in the midst of joyful chaos and the up phase...my husband giggled when I incorrectly spelled cat "turd" (terd) in a recent e-mail(and you don't want to know what that was all about!) What has happened? I and many Moms before me have been turned "upside down"! I am mixed-up...
I chuckle, I laugh and I cry.
I have worn a shirt inside out for an entire day. (Did my friends think I planned it?)
I have mistaken mascara for lip gloss. (Pink is better!)
I have worn 2 different shoes-and was proud. (It's great to be noticed!)
I have diligently tried to unlock someone else's car--it looked like mine.
I have showed up for my daughter's school on a school holiday-(short drop off line!)
I have forgotten food for a school party! (Oh no! Would the home room Moms forgive me?)
I forgot one school party and a year later my daughter still remembers it! (Does she remember the 25 that I have attended?)
I have gone places looking like I said I never, ever would! (More compliments when I dress up-right?)
I dial a number, forget who I was calling and when they answer--am startled for a moment - and so are they when I ask who I am calling! (Afterall, I called them!)
And the list goes on...
I am in the up phase and my life is upside down...it is joyful, frustrating, fun, challenging, maddening, boring, exciting, scary and amazing...and when my 4 year old runs over for no reason and says "I love you Mom" (and asks for nothing) it is uplifting and makes all the joyful chaos worth it all...
Here's to all the Moms! Keep it "up"!
Lisa
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
